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TITLE (EDIT)
The Day We Baked Granny A Cake Or Adventures Through The Necropolis: Yeast Resurrection
DESCRIPTION
The quest to bake a cake led us on an adventure through Hades and back
[1,375 words]
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor
AUTHOR
Tanmay T Philip
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
-
[May 2009]
The Day We Baked Granny A Cake Or Adventures Through The Necropolis: Yeast Resurrection
Tanmay T Philip




Cast:

Cast of a Midsummer Night's
Dream: Shakespeare's original cast.

Fanny: An 11-year old girl who aspires to be the next Top Chef

Billy: Fanny's 8-year old brother, dimple-chinned, curly-haired, teacher's pet, PhDís in mathematics, astronomy, physics, philosophy, music, literatureÖ He used to be Shakespeare's biggest fan!
Mom: A mommy
Dad: A daddy
Granny: A 103-year old lady with a fondness for harvest cakes, marijuana and biking cross-country on her Harley.
Shakespeare: As himself
The Godfather: As himself
DEATH: As himself/herself/itself. Wears a black cape and cloak. Usually seen carrying a scythe. Looks like a skeleton, but somehow more substantial than flesh. Addicted to playing poker and drinking lots of Long Island Iced Teas.
Dead English Teacher's Specter: Ghost of an English Teacher who became a missionary, and after wrongly interpreting the Holy Books ended up trying to convert a tribe of cannibalistic megalomaniacs in Africa who didnít appreciate being told that white is black and black is orange as they were still in shock over being told that the Earth is round, like a ball.
Bessie: Dead English Teacher's cat's specter. His lifelong companion who died with her master because the tribals thought that the teacher tasted too bland on its own.


Act 0
[Enter Fanny in front of closed curtain]

Fanny: This is a story of how Billy and I traveled through the gates of Hades to bake Gran a cake. Hereís how it all started: My mom and dad are doctors in the New York General Hospital. Dadís a surgeon and Mom's his anesthetist. Thatís how they fell in love: over the operating table. Ugh!! So anyway, right
after 9/11 they werenít able to even leave the hospital for 3 days because of the large number of critical casualties. My brother and I were quickly bundled off to Gran's, and Gran's crazy! Thus, as my brother Billy used to say(when he could still talk in English), our lives had a 98.7% chance risk of going from mildly unpleasant to outright torture!
This one adventure (out of the many we've had trying to survive being in close proximity to Gran) started off when Gran got high and finished all the harvest cakes. When she tried baking another batch the cakes wouldnít raise. She tried again, again and again going more and more cuckoo by the moment. When Gran's out of harvest cakes she goes even more cuckoo than you can think possible.
She made us sit with her and watch old home videos and photos for hours and hours. When she let us free to take a quick nap, we hurried off into the kitchen to try calming her down by baking more cakes. But the darned thing wouldn't rise. Billy conducted a couple of chemical reagent tests on the ingredients of the cake and surmised that the yeast was ... forgotten what he said happened to the yeast, but in simple terms, it had died and wouldn't work anymore. After countless excursions through different stores and reagent test after reagent test Billy discovered that all the yeast in the world had passed away to a higher existence. Billy thought it most likely that this sudden death of yeast everywhere was being caused by global warming. He came up with a number of possible solutions to our dilemma. I chose the more practical one.
We traveled through the gates of Hades using Billy's pocket transporter, stole Chiron's
boat (it was a very flimsy vessel and stunk too), had
a great many adventures and ended up being
dragged to DEATH's throne by Billy's former English teacher's ghost.


ACT 1

Scene: DEATH's throne room. The throne is very ornate, and also very empty.A Midsummer Night's Dream is being enacted by the Original cast. DEATH is sitting at a poker table not far away, playing Texas Hold 'Em with the Godfather and William Shakespeare.DEATH has a majority of the spectral chips. HE seems to be smiling, but with that wide poker grin of his/hers/its who can say?

Enter: Dead English Teacher's ghost holding Billy and Fanny in the air by the scruff of their necks followed by Bessie.


Dead English Teacher: Oh grave and steady faced monarch!This brave soul humbles itself before thy serious, but most noble visage
DEATH: !!MAY I HELP YOU?!!
Dead English Teacher: Umm,umm,mmm,.......
Shakespeare: Well?Cut to the chase man! Don't keep holding up this game. My luck seems to be turning and I want to win back my money[shrugs at The Godfather].
DEATH: !!I REMEMBER YOU NOW. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO LIED AND TORTURED CHILDREN AND THEN THOUGHT YOU FOUND THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE IN A ZINGER BURGER!HA HA. AS I RECALL,
I PICKED YOU UP AFTER THEY HAD MADE FAST FOOD OF YOU.STILL WEARING THE MISSIONARY ROBE I SEE. YES! STILL A HINT OF THE AROMA OF BASIL AND THYME AROUND YOU!!
Dead English Teacher:
[knees start wobbling] Mmm,...,mmm,..mmm,....
The Godfather: I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. You leave here now and let us continue with our game, and your cat's head stays on its neck. Capiche?
Bessie: Miaow!!!!
Dead English Teacher: Ahhhhh!!!!!Bessie!!!!!!!!!!!
[Exit Dead English Teacher and Bessie.]

The Godfather: Raise by 50.
Shakespeare: Check
DEATH: !!RAISE 100!!
Fanny: Umm,... Are you really Shakespeare?
Billy: Forsooth! Fie on thee for a silk appareled rough sounding buffoon!
Shakespeare: What did he just say?
Fanny: The same thing. Only I can ever understand what he says!
Shakespeare: Oh! Yes, I'm Shakespeare, the greatest playwright in the world!
Fanny: How come you donít talk like youíre supposed to?
Shakespeare: You gotta move along with the times or else you'll end up growing old, and I dont intend to ever grow old again!Already done that once! Cant stand the wrinkles and the greys!
Billy: An ectoplasmic disarray gun, an ectoplasmic disarray gun, my kingdom for an ectoplasmic disarray gun!
Shakespeare: Your the king of Equador?
Fanny: Umm.... I'm not sure what he just said. But, I think that he wants your autograph.
Shakespeare: Oh.Sure! Here you go. Maybe someday you can grow up to be just like me kiddo!
Billy: Fie!Fie! He dost be scurvy brained too! Oh disillusionment. Thou hast struck the target at last!
Shakespeare: Your welcome kiddo.
Fanny:[whispers into The God
Father's ear]- I think you should fold. DEATH looks like he has a pretty strong hand!
DEATH: !!WHAT DID YOU SAY LIVING MAN CUB?!!
Fanny: !!I SAID THAT I LIKED HIS ACCENT! WOW. I CAN MIMIC YOU TOO. I'M A WICKED MIMIC AREN'T I?!
The Godfather Si si. Very good.[applauds] Now, little one, I shall make you an offer you can't refuse. You shall take my place and we shall split the chips 70-30.
Fanny: !!40-60!!
The Godfather: Done, If you stop talking to me in HIS voice.It gives me the creeps!
[they spit on their hands and shake ]
Shakespeare: [puts Billy on his lap] Sonny, have any money on you?
Billy: {CENSORED} you!!!!!
[hits Shakespeare where the sun
dont shine]
Shakespeare: Why you little (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) of a (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED)!!!!!!!
[Shakespeare chases after Billy through the cast of A Mdsummer Night's Dream who are taking their final bow to a an imaginary audience.The cast, then
unhappy at Shakespeare with losing all their money torture him in various ways, instigated by Puck.Bill returns to the poker table with a smug expression on his face.]

After five hours of intense psychological warfare between Fanny and DEATH, Fanny finally manages to win all the chips at the table.DEATH seems to be sobering up.
DEATH: !!CHILD! YOU ARE HERE IN THE FLESH AND CAN ONLY STAY TILL DAWN. HOWEVER, I CANNOT ALLOW DEAD POKER CHIPS TO WANDER THE LIVING WORLD!BESIDES, POKER CHIPS ARE HARD TO GET DOWN HERE!ARE YOU WILLING TO BARTER YOUR CHIPS WITH ME?!!
Fanny: !!YES!!
DEATH: !!WHAT WILL YOU HAVE IN EXCHANGE? THE RING OF IMMORTALITY? THE CAPE OF SHADOWS? MERLIN"S MAGIC BOOKS?!!
FANNY: !! NO,NO,NO! I WANT YOU TO GIVE YEAST BACK TO THE LIVING WORLD FOR MY SHARE OF THE CHIPS!!
DEATH: !!THATS EASY.SO BE IT.IT IS DONE![thunder and lightening].THAT JUST HAS TO HAPPENS WHEN I SAY ĎSO BE ITí,DOESN'T IT?NOW.YOU SHALL PROMISE NOT TO USE MY VOICE ON ME.IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS!!
Fanny: Oh! Sorry![shrugs]umm...can we go now?
DEATH: !! YES! AND I AM GLAD TO SAY THAT WE SHALL NOT SEE EACH OTHER FOR A VERY LONG TIME! THANK GOD!!
Fanny: Bye bye[winks]
DEATH: !! NOW BACK YOU GO!!!
[DEATH snaps his fingers .Billy and Fanny disappear in a cloud of smoke and curtain closes]

Scene 2

[Enter Fanny in front of curtain]
Fanny: And thatís how we baked Granny a harvest cake and saved the world.
[bows and exits]
[enters again to wide applause] THANK YOU!
[Exit]

 

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2009 Tanmay T Philip
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
May 2009
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
1279
 

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