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The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale
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TITLE (EDIT)
The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale
DESCRIPTION
Continued.
[823 words]
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor
AUTHOR
Xoggoth
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
-
[March 2004]
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25)
A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor]
A Wrong Turn Somewhere (Short Stories) Somewhere near Birmingham a driver takes a wrong turn and loses everything. [492 words] [Mystical]
Amnesty (Short Stories) A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong. [561 words] [Comedy]
Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor]
Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind]
Changing To Go Out (Short Stories) In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task. [444 words] [Humor]
God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor]
Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions (Short Stories) A struggling photographer finds a rich new source of business. [496 words] [Humor]
Providing For Sarah (Short Stories) A desolate man finds comfort in an imaginary (?) companion. But who will care for her when he's gone? [883 words] [Mind]
Sex Life Of The Amoeba (Short Stories) A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little... [1,108 words] [Humor]
Soup (Short Stories) A soup manufacturer ends life on Earth. [514 words] [Comedy]
The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 2 - The Little Demon's Tale (Short Stories) A hell spawned satanic creature identifies too much with men and falls to their level. [901 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 3 - The Spider Catcher's Tale. (Short Stories) Archie escapes from the paralysing purple and find himself in a world where an avoidable infestation has eaten all the perspective. There he meets the spider catcher and learns why ballroom dancing i... [1,313 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words]
The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor]
The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words]
The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor]
The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words]
The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony (Short Stories) Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance. [1,377 words]
The Two Bills (Short Stories) William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word. [777 words]
Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor]
Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale
Xoggoth

The Great Regurgitato's Tale

I used to be a fairly normal lad when I was growing up, but I always had a hankering after greatness and nothing inspired me more than the stories of the giants of bodily functions like the great Crapatito. Nobody believes in him now of course, he is just a legend, a myth. I expect you know the story about the pig and the cork and the monkey? Well that was really the Great Crapatito you know. These days we think it's just a mucky schoolboy joke, but it was all based on truth.

The scholars will never admit it, they rabbit on about the collective psyche and distortions of historical facts and allegories but the opposite is also true. Most legends started as dirty jokes. All that stuff about Zeus and the golden showers or visiting mares disguised as the west wind? Just dirty tales they used to tell in the bars and brothels of Corinth or Athens. The 'scholars' turned it into a religion. Same with all the modern religions, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, they all started out as graffiti on a toilet wall somewhere. I could tell you a thing or two from my research. We make profundity out of trivia and truths out of fundaments. It's the way of the world.

Anyhow, where was I? Oh yes, the great Crapatito. There are some marvellous stories of his exploits. Like the first occasion he appeared in the amphitheatre in Rome as a mere supporting act to the Great Fartacus. In a short preview performance, Fartacus cleared the entire audience on the West side (there was an Easterly wind blowing), depopulated the sprawling suburb of Casarium and killed cattle as far away as Thaeseni. He was a triumph. The remaining crowd was in a delirium of expectation for his main act and had little interest in the warm up artists. History records that they were mostly fairly dire. The Thracian Atoninus Pisso barely wetted the orchestra in the pits apparently and the Mighty Spunkatus was even sadder. So when the Great Crapito came on, or Crapitus Maximus to give him his proper name then, it was to a chorus of boos and a deluge of rotten fruit.

Well. That soon changed. Maybe it was because he got so annoyed with his reception, or maybe he had just come of age, but Crapitus shook the world that night and left a legacy that reverberates down the ages and will never be forgotten by those of us who have a grasp of what is truly important. The excremental deluge filled the auditorium in an instant, killing the emperor and most of the Roman Senate. It roared up the walls of the Coliseum and burst out over the city. A million people, including most of Rome's crack legions, died that night. Ten thousand square miles of Italy vanished in less than two hours. The scholars tell us it was the Goths and the Vandals that destroyed Rome. A sanitised version of history. It was Crapitus.

They say talents like mine are a disease. All those years ago I awoke feeling a little sick and soon discovered that that was just a beginning. Maybe it's a disease but I call it a gift and I have honed my abilities over many many years. Unfortunately, we live in an age where greatness is not respected and safety laws require me to perform only in enclosed spaces like this mall where the reflected waves quench my flow. Even the Great Crapatito had his limitations as the monkey and cork joke shows. Those outside the safety zone survived. One day I will perform in the open and there will be no limits. One day I will engulf the world! The Great Regurgitato's head began to spin round and round emitting increasingly pitched squeaks.

Archie crept away to seek a warm bath. Apart from that unfortunate habit we touched on in a previous episode, rabbits are very clean little animals and he was revolted by all he had seen and heard. On top of that, his fur smelt of puke and his tail, now slipping down his nose, had a faint aroma of bum. He was going to... It started to spray out of his ears and from the very air around him. "Ha,ha, haaaaaa" whined the Great Regurgitato, you've got it tooooo, haaaaaa, haaaaaaaaaa" His head span into a blur and his laughter got higher and higher, disappearing into supersonic inaudability. All the dogs for miles around began to bark frenziedly.

Archie ran as fast as his old legs could take him. Out of the mall and through the outskirts of the drab little town towards the cool green fields. Through a hedge, tumbling onto a road. In the brief moment before the huge tyre of the red lorry crushed him he had time to wonder. Were all his strange adventures going to end with such a commonplace rabbit fate?

 

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Xoggoth
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
March 2004
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
1247
 

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